growing up today and other fears

so i was thinking about growing up today and i almost cried.  

while commuting to work, i saw some kids - probably in high school, a few years below me - and their lives already seemed so far away from mine. that’s when i realized that today will be a turning point - a page breaker - that separates now on and the past.  

my whole life, i’ve blamed everything on my mom - not getting good enough grades, not having friends, being socially anxious, having a shit temper. my whole life, i’ve tried to hide who i am - pretending to do homework when i was actually writing poetry, getting drunk when i was only "sleeping over" - it was fun, really.  

but coupled with my mom leaving in a few days, it finally hit me. they trust me now. my parents are letting me stay in taiwan alone, for a month. they would have never let me done that, not even last summer, not even for a week last summer. all of a sudden, they are now treating me as an adult.
and that's when i realized, fuck. i’m on my own now.  

my mom was never in the way. i blamed her because i couldn’t admit my own fears and weaknesses. i couldn’t admit that i just didn’t put in enough effort in school, in socializing and getting along with people outside my circle.   

i always thought that without my mom controlling my life and dictating what i should do, i could achieve anything. i could get into harvard, for hell’s sake. but, what can i achieve now that my mom is no longer in the way?  

can i actually get a job at a top-notch company? can i actually get a decent salary so i can rent my own apartment and support myself? will i actually be as good as i promised my parents? 

am i really as great as i thought? 

i don't know, but at least i've reached this stage and realized that my parents were never really against me. i was the only one against myself, and maybe that's what i need to know most at this stage of growing up.