i became single recently

so i recently “broke up” with my bf. ok not really broke up, more like everything’s complicated and we’re still friends. i proposed this due to a mix of (again) complicated reasons. first, i just don’t feel as strongly about the relationship as i did before. i’m more sure about my identity right now and i don’t need someone else’s love to affirm my value. second, i also realized that although i’ve matured in knowing myself better, i’m not mature enough for a relationship. i’m not wiling to sacrifice. i’m willing to receive but not give love. i don’t even know what love fucking means - or maybe i do but i’m just not willing to try. either way, i realized that i’m not ready yet to concentrate all my time and effort on one person and i feel like i’d be lying to him if i stay in the relationship.

so yeah, in all regards, i feel fine so far, probably because we’re long distance for now, and because i live with my parents and my dog. but once school starts, i’m probably gonna start brawling.

there’s a voice inside me telling me that i’ll probably end up regretting this decision, but fuck it. i’m still gonna stick with it, at least for now. i’m still young and i want to dare to take this risk. i want to see if i can sustain being on my own.

god will prolly punish me and i will take it as a lesson learned. i’ll probably be forty and single and end up wondering why i didn’t take up this offer when i had it.

right now, i’m trying to seem confident on the outside because i’ve built that up. it’s all that bullshit mentality of thinking that i’m capable and good enough.

but below all that is thickly knitted insecurity. doubts. doubts of whether or not i made the right decision. what if i’m forty and lonely? fuck. if that actually does happen, then i’ll just try not to tell my parents because they’d prolly cry, and i’ll just get some cats and cry too and then wake up and write a book or some shit. or i might get bankrupt and have no money to sustain myself. in that case, uh, i hope i won’t want to die because that’s seriously the lowest point in life. even people in jail or in absolute torture want to keep living.

i hope i would still have the guts to keep going. if i don’t, then fuck, i’ve lost in gaming the system called life. i’ve lost in the little board game god devised to keep himself entertained. i’ve lost in my purpose.

but it’s okay. at least by that point i’ll know that i have tried, and that i have dared to try.