my two sides: good and bad

i’m a woman of extremes. i either do one thing completely or don’t try at all. i either binge eat or cut out all sweets from my diet. there is no in-between.

and here is where my boyfriend gets it spot on - i have two sides: my good side and my bad side. and you can see it shown in my website too. there’s the optimistic side, the part that strives to be better because she thinks she can be better. the business side, the “i can do so well” side. that includes the “self-development” page, the “7 day challenges”, the “happy list” that encourages myself to keep going because there will always be a better day and i must be a happy and interesting person, right!

then there’s the messed-up, fuck-everything relationship-pessimist cynical unstable bundled-up piece of shit who swears and just wants to let my tears run down on the subway because there’s something inside me that hurts.

(wow, was not expecting that.) i was originally trying to say that i should just strive to be the better side, but now i realize that the bad side is also what makes me human.

going on, the bad side includes binging on shit; it includes staying in and keeping emotions bottled up when i should tell others, staring at my phone for 5 hours a day because i’m too “lazy” to try to read and actually make a meaningful life, and then binging on sweets and staying up till 3am because i think my life is so meaningless. it’s just an endless shit cycle.

i have never so directly publicly acknowledged who i am, and today i have.

this is who i am. i am a woman of extremes and i’m trying to work towards a woman of balance and composure. notice that i'm not entirely disregarding the "bad" or more dysfunctional side. it's okay to lose control, brawl, and get addicted to something that takes the pain away sometimes. as long as i still get work done and these bad habits don't interfere with my life too much.

i just re-read this post and i realized that, i'm just more extreme but isn't everyone the same? think about it. the things you should do - do your homework, study, apologize to whomever, hug your mom, say thanks to the bus driver you see everyday, talk to your grandparents even though they can be annoying sometimes etc. then what you shouldn't do but spend a lot of time doing  - binge eating chocolate, eating more desserts, not asking that guy out, not going to your professor's office hours because eh who cares about grades, stalking your ex's facebook plus all forms social media because you need to know who he's dating to make yourself sad etc. 

point is, we're all dysfunctional in some ways. even the most "productive" or successful people have these sides. and it's okay. as long as we balance times we operate in both areas, then we will be fine. being moderate is key.