after a semester of turmoil, my head is finally turning clear for a bit. the fog seems to have lifted slightly, occasionally.
but i’m still disordered. i’m just healing - self-healing.
i struggled with depression this semester. and i wrestled with a kind of darkness no one should ever have to go through.
imagine sitting in your room, and seeing everyone else walk by, their lives in perfection, their laughter in color, but that’s the catch. you can only watch. you’re stuck in paralysis, and stuck in apathy.
and that’s the funny thing about depression. because it seems as if you cause it upon yourself. lock yourself up in that dungeon of biting grays; the coldness that makes you shudder; the loneliness that comes with coats of shame.
it’s a negative recurring cycle. you hate yourself because you’re so weird and disordered so you’re afraid to talk to people because you’re ashamed but by being alone you become more depressed and then since you’re sad your mind can’t focus on studying so your grades drop then you hate yourself more because not only are you friend-less but you’re also ugly and your grades suck so what the fuck can you do now what right do you even have to be in this world, then you start binge eating crying and becoming suicidal, dangerously.
i’m sure everyone has different experiences, but that was mine.
and it’s hard.
it’s so hard to get out of it. what should i do, how should i get help, who should i talk to, how to cure this fucking mess that is myself?
and so this new page is just an attempt to allow people out there to know that you’re not alone if you’re depressed or anxious or think you’re really weird, because everyone’s really weird. and also a way to allow you (and me) to cope and heal myself out of this illness that has caused me so much more pain than a low gpa.